Dolly Phase 1 Complete

Its official, for “Perfect Ending” we’ll have at least 1 new toy to play with during filming (well, 2 if you count the DOF adapter). The dolly is complete.

After slapping together the prototype during the weekend and getting some helpful tips from Quint, the dolly that will probably be used in the filming of “Perfect Ending is done.

The design is basically the same, three platform areas with triangle support holding them together.

The first addition was a suggestion from Quint, and that was to add a second triangle to the bottom to sandwich the platform struts together.

The next addition was one I was thinking of during the prototype, then also suggest by Quint which helped me affirm that design modification which was to miter the planks touch up against each of in this new triangle sandwich. It‘s not easy to see in this picture, but once disassembled it’s easily seen.

The last little touch is this circle mid-platform with may or may not be the base for a crane like system that can attach to this dolly – I’m still working that idea out, but at least the platform is built.

So on to disassembly, and the dolly breaks down into its core parts.

Since I know the tripod fits easily in my suitcase, I use to see it the longest part of the dolly falls into that length parameter, which is does (or course a tape measurer would have told me that too).

Although, with the prices for checking a second bag on to a plane increasing, it may be cheaper to ship this via UPS Ground. I’ll be investigating that.

But does it have legs?

Okay, so I have to admit after my last post on re-designing the wheels for the dolly, there was that nagging thought that kept creeping up. The one that said “You’ve ignored all the proven systems that worked, so what’s to say what you’ve made hasn’t already been tried and failed?”

So the first thing I have to do in regards to working on the dolly today was to actually test these theoretical wheels out and see if this design idea has any legs. So I fashioned a quick wooden T-platform out of some wood strips I have in the garage, and mounted the wheels:

The next test was to see the wheels would both set on the PVC rails AND actually roll.

The test was a complete success, here’s a short sample:

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Now that the nagging doubt has been relieved, it’s time to continue on to the next phase of the design and build.

The phase to conquer is the platform. I’ve marked 2 criteria to meet on this phase. First, disassembly and transport. I wanted a few “parts” as possible, yet I also wanted it to be transportable, hence easily dissembled, shipped (or packed) and reassembled as needed. The second of the criteria was that I wanted enough surface area to accommodate the possible need to shorten the tripod legs. The T-Platform fit the exact full extension of the legs, if I have to shorten them for some reason, the tripod wouldn’t fit. The easiest solution would be to just cut a big square piece of plywood and bolt the wheels on, but that would totally destroy criteria number 1, but I do have an idea.

So off the hardware store, where I was lucky enough to find these great pine planks that were sanded smooth with round corners, and perfectly (at least perfect enough for this) flat. The measurements were perfect too, 1×4x24. I only need 3 planks to make 2 platforms, but they were so cheap and such good quality that I bought 6 – if not to make up for possible last minute re-designs and screw ups, then surely they’ll be useful for something else.

So I laid out the planks in a, I guess you can call it a 3 point starburst pattern? I’m not sure what you technically call this shape, but here’s what I’m talking about:

Notice the Inline skate wheel serving as the plumb-bob to find the center of the tripod. Man, those wheels have a thousand uses (well, 3 so far that I’ve come across).

Next was to cut a triangular piece of ply wood from a scrap sheet of ¾ inch plywood I had lying around, and bolt the platform struts on:

I probably should have used longer bolts.

At this point I put the tripod on the new platform, making sure nothing got screwed up during cutting and drilling. To my relief, everything lined up perfectly:

Now I mount on the wheels and get ready to see how this new design works. I have to make sure everything is sturdy and that the wheels can line up and ride the rails properly:

I take a closer look, and the wheels are sitting just as they should:

Now to test it out, and I’m little bummed that I only have 4 feet of track to work with. I can’t get the super dramatic shots to really show the dolly off, but I do get enough to verify that this rig is working great so far:

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Group Effort

When Dave Fox told me we could film part of “Fan Film” at the theater, I immediately took him up on the offer and began writing that scene. The worked good on paper, but never having been inside this building, it was hard to work out the shots in my head. We literally had no idea how to shoot the theater scenes for Episode 4 until we got there that late Saturday night.

I found this great clip of the rehearsal run through of one of the more memorable scenes from the theater that is a great example of how everyone involved pitched in helped work out this scene. Oddly enough we usually didn’t record much of the rehearsal and down time, but this clip is pretty representative of how the collaborative effort was major part in making “Fan Film”:

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Fan Film The Series

When amatuer film maker Matt Bayne set out to create is epic Star Wars fan film masterpiece “Birth of the Empire”, NeoZAZ was there to capture every moment.

NeoZAZ Presents this 6 part documentary, “Fan Film The Series” as we follow Matt from  Florida to Pennsylvania and back again as starts his journey to create the definative Star Wars Fan Film.

See the entire first season of “Fan Film The Series” at it’s offical website, fanfilmtheseries.com.

The Cutting Room Floor

NeoZAZ Productions latest Podcast – The Cutting Room Floor. A weekly discussion of zero budget indie film making and some of the best of the worst movies to ever have made it to distribution.

Hosted by David and Matt

To listen or subscribe, visit the Cutting Room Floor website here.

If it rolls, we can push it

As we gear up for another epoch making project in the history of NeoZAZ, I’m starting to literally “gear up” for our next film, “Perfect Ending”.

“Perfect Ending” started innocently enough. First, Dave and I wanted to film a project with Dave Fox and Chris Irons again. Next, I wanted to shoot a short film where I could document the nearly zero documented workflow process with Adobe Premiere, After Effects, and Encore. Then we found a film contest that required the entry to be themed “Perfection” or “Sacrifice”. The last, but not least (in fact now first) we both wanted a new project that would allow us to starting using some new toys and gear while taking out skills to the next level. So with all these things in mind (not in the order listed above) we wrote the first draft of “Perfect Ending” and I think we really surprised ourselves. So now that we have a script that’s exceeded our initial expectations, we decided we need to show case this story in the best possible light we can. Or in other words, “this is the perfect excuse to buy and build gear we really, really want to try out.”

The first is a Depth of Field adapter. There are quite a few DIY sites on building a DOF adapter on-line, but most of them eventual require 1 of 5 things that are out of my comfort zone (sometime all 5).

1. Careful handling of the optics in a near sterile environment  and/or precise measurements and placement of said optics.
2. Acquiring a specific part that doesn’t exist in retail stores but can be found on eBay from time to time if you’re lucky
3. Math
4. Soldiering
5. The instructions contain the phrase “…you have one shot at this and it has to be done properly or the whole thing won’t work”.

So with the trusted advice of the HV20.com forum, I went with the Twoneil Static DOF adapter. His reputation is exceptional. At nearly the last moment that I was worried I had ordered from him and heard nothing, he emailed me with all the order details, updates, and sincere apology for not contacting me sooner. But most importantly, the results from his DOF adapter are incredible! Here’s some samples:

So, just imagining this device on the camera in Dave’s hands is a pretty exciting prospect.

As a side note, after having investigated the possibility of building one myself, I found that buying a proven product from Twoneil is only about 30 to 50 dollars more than the raw parts. Those 30 to 50 extra dollars more than pays for the confidence and peace of mind that the device I’m using will work as designed.

Now that this “buy gear” part is done, it’s time to start on the “build gear”. The first of which, is a dolly. The steadicam we used in 90% of “Fan Film” was perfect for that story, but not so great for “Perfect Ending”. So the first, and probably most important part, or getting the camera moving is going to be a dolly.

Most of the commercial dollies available are both overkill and over budget for what we’re shooting.  But there are a lot of options on-line to build your own.

I’ve poured over a lot of these and got a lot of good ideas. Some of the better ones are listed here:

The $30 Dolly

Simple PVC Dolly

Lightweight PVC Dolly

Now there’s absolutely nothing wrong with any of these at all, but in this case I’ve decided to take what I’ve learned from some of these and go off on my own. Mainly for these following reasons:

1. It needs to transportable between Florida and Pennsylvania OR designed and built in a fashion that it can be shared and duplicated by Dave, and then most likely improved by Dave once he gets the plans.
2. It has to accommodate a pan feature I’ve designed to help us save a few hundred bucks on a fluid head pan and tilt tripod that we don’t currently own.
3. The wheels have to pivot freely to ride on a curved track design I found in the form of unused extruded air hoses (assuming I can still get them, or something like them). Plus the added benefit of free flowing the chassis on a smooth surface for really cool shots.
4. The wheels also have to ride freely on a straight track – since this is most likely what we’ll be using the most.
5. The wheels/axel will need to support a variety of weight. While it will primarily hold only the tripod and camera, we do have plans to possibly use a crane in conjunction with the dolly in a couple of the shots.
6. Probably 3 or 4 more requirements I haven’t previously thought of as of yet.

So the first thing I have to come up was the wheels/axels. Having 2 pairs of old inline skates on the garage, I instantly have 16 wheels and bearings at my disposal.
Most of the designs I’ve come across didn’t allow for any pivoting. And most of the designs I’ve come across have the wheels bolting in PVC pipe – that doesn’t accommodate the pivot very well, or at least very easily.

So I wanted to overcome this obstacle first before I moved on. After a few tries with and without PVC pipe, I settled on this design (note, it’s at this point in the article I realize it would have been beneficial to take some pictures of the failed attempts, but I think of it at the time):

As you can probably see, the design is made up of 3 main elements: The wheels, ¼ inch hardware (nuts, bolts, and washers) and 2 inch right angle steel braces.

The steel brace makes it easier to accommodate the pivot function I want. I plan to use the bearings from the wheels I’m not using to make the pivot nice and smooth. The 2 inch size of the brace is a near perfect fit for the wheel – all I have to do to accommodate everything is boring out the existing holes to a ¼ inch diameter.

That’s as far as I’ve gotten so far. The failed attempts took up a lot of time today. Tomorrow I’ll build a simple “T” platform for the proof of concept and try it out on some 1 inch PVC pipe rails.

Lego my storyboard!

When I wrote Fan Film, I had worked out how nearly every scene would be shot in my head.

Once I got to Pennsylvania and Dave took over as Director of Photography and Lead cinematographer and joined me as co-director, each of those scenes were done completely differently than I imagined. But, once again thanks to Dave’s natural talent in cinematography, the actual production shots came out far better than the one’s I envisioned.

However, there was 1 scene that needed to be shot the way I imagined, or at least as close as we could get it. That was the most elaborate visual effect / joke scene in the series.

The joke hinged on 2 elements, 1 the “story” leading up the punch line – I wanted the shots done specifically in a way to lead up to the joke, start with some dialogue, build some tension, then bang – the punch line. The 2nd element was the visual FX footage I needed to work with also had to be shot in a specific way for me to pull of the effect I was trying to achieve.

So the scenes are fleshed out in my head, and everything’s ready to go. Then “crack”, I break my ankle in Las Vegas. So pretty much convinced I can’t make it to PA for the shooting of this scene, I had to come up storyboards to share with Dave to show what I needed – especially for the FX part.

With time running out, and my inability to capture the perspective, angles, etc, or the actors on paper, I went to the local Lego store (yes, and actually Lego only store)  and picked up a bag of miscellaneous Lego men from the clearance bin.

With those Lego men, and a stapler, I was able to put together a storyboard of the shots I needs and go over them with Dave.
Here’s a sample:

Pretty silly, right?

Well, after getting the “all clear” from my doctor to both travel and be up on my feet, I did go to PA. I didn’t bring this storyboard with me, but did go through it with Dave prior to the shot.

This comparison video shows how much of it not only stuck in our heads, but actually helped with the final shot:

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Not bad for $2.99 worth of Lego figures and an empty stapler.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, Part II: The Review

(Some more Classic NeoZAZ)

I remember the first two Star Wars action figures I owned were Darth Vader and C-3P0. I hadn’t even seen the movie yet, but I thought they looked interesting, I guess. Anyway, just try to imagine the exciting plots and stories you can concoct with those two:

Vader: I am Darth Vader, Lord of the Sith!

C-3P0: Er, would you like me to translate something for you? Perhaps work out a tricky bit of protocol? I could program your binary load lifters for you.

Vader: Arrr! Have a taste of red plastic death as I slide my lightsaber out of my forearm!

C-3P0: Okayy, maybe later, then. Toodle-pip.

You get the point. Not a lot of possibilities there. But it was still better dialog than just about anything in Episodes I-III. OK, yes, the dialog in Episodes IV-VI wasn’t stellar, but at least there were some memorable lines (“I happen to like nice men.” “I’m nice men.”) and they were delivered with conviction.  In the prequels, we get seriously laugh-out-loud dramatic dialogue (“You’re so beautiful.” “It’s only because I’m in love.” “No, it’s because I’m in love with you.”) delivered with all the emotion of a tax form.

I saw Episode III on opening night, the very first show, 12:01am. We had stood out in line for several hours (see Part I) and the theater was packed with hard-core Star Wars geeks. We cheered when the lights went down. We hooted when the 20th Century Fox fanfare blared. We clapped as the opening strains of John Williams’ score played over the text crawl. And everyone laughed at the “romantic” dialogue.

It is just unforgivable that such a high-profile, big-budget movie with so many talented people working on it could make it through to production with such awful lines. But that’s really the biggest complaint I have about Episode III. Most of the rest of it was somewhat enjoyable. Sort of.

Warning: Spoilers ahead! I know that everyone on the planet has seen this movie twice by now, but in case you haven’t, and there is still some suspense left (Anakin becomes Darth Vader) then you’d best stop reading now. Go join the forums and come back when you’ve seen the movie. It’s OK, I’ll wait.

The opening is classic Star Wars: starts off right in the middle of the action. Even the text crawl was brief and to the point – the Chancellor has been kidnapped, and Anakin and Obi Wan are battling to rescue him. I liked the way the camera follows a single fighter as it flies along the surface of a screen-filling proto-Star Destroyer, only to pan past the edge of the cruiser and be assaulted by the hundreds of ships in combat. I bet if you frame-advance that scene on the DVD (and won’t we all) you can see all sorts of cool stuff going on in the background. I really think the animators had a blast with this movie. As well they should, for the animated stuff was much more convincing than the live actors.

One of the problems I had with the prequels was all of the references to the original trilogy. Example 1: R2-D2 and C-3PO. Even though there were some nice R2-D2 moments in the movie, I still think the two droids did not belong in the prequels. It was just too much of a stretch. Sure, I guess it explains a few lines from Episode IV, but it just seems cheap. The same goes for Chewbacca.

And speaking of Chewbacca, the scenes on Kashyyyk were somewhat disappointing and brief. Lucas finally had the chance to make up for the Ewoks by showing the Wookiees kicking serious butt, and all we get are a few quick moments of them swinging on vines (again with the silly Tarzan yell) and shooting at the lame robots. It’s all well and good to show Yoda talking to Chewbacca and other references to the original trilogy, but mostly those scenes just serve to remind us of how much better the originals were.

After the opening action sequence, the movie settles into the plot, which is the crux of the whole prequel trilogy: Anakin’s fall from grace. The problem with it is that we all know what’s going to happen: Anakin lets his emotions get the better of him and is seduced by the Dark Side, he kills all the rest of the Jedi and Palpatine becomes the Emperor. Since the audience is well aware of the outcome, the movie has to sell the slide into evil with acting and emotion. Sadly, we get Hayden Christiansen’s hideous mullet for two and a half hours.

I will give George credit for some passable writing for the scenes in which Palpatine manipulates Anakin toward the Dark Side. It’s not great, but it’s almost believable. In my opinion, though, Anakin’s transformation should have begun a lot sooner, like Episode I. This sort of epic, cataclysmic character arc deserves a lot more detail and drama than it got, and it all got squeezed into the third movie. To me it felt rushed. Sure, Anakin was whiny and impatient in Episodes I and II, but they should have shown him doing more evil stuff, like the slaughter of the Sand People. They needed to show more of Palpatine’s influence on him.

The Chancellor/Emperor himself was very well done in this installment. He was kind of in the background in the first two (you know, the “Phantom” Menace) but in Episode III, he’s most definitely the main bad guy pulling all the strings. Pretty much everything that happens in the whole prequel trilogy is according to his plans. And, when you think about it, perhaps he even created Anakin. He tells Anakin the story of the old Sith Lord who discovered the secrets of prolonging life, and even creating life, using the Force. Let’s see, Anakin was born without a father, and he pretty much has Midichlorians instead of red blood cells, hmmmm… Almost explains that whole virgin birth thing.

The two best aspects of the movie, in my opinion, were the ships and the lightsaber fights. Growing up, I knew the name or model number of every ship in the original trilogy, even if I didn’t have them all as toys. Much like the rest of Star Wars, they were cool because they were dirty – no shining white star cruisers here. No, the X-wings are all dirty and battle-damaged. The Millenium Falcon is constantly on the brink of complete failure, and even the Empire ships look mean and purpose-built. The ships in Episodes I and II are sleek and rounded and look like candle drippings. Finally in Episode III, they had cool ships again. Probably because they were trying to make them look like prototypes for the X-wings, TIE fighters and Star Destroyers that we know and love. Whatever the reason, they were a big improvement.

The other cool thing was the lightsaber fights. Episode III is packed with lightsabers, just stuffed to the gills with Jedi twirling their glo-sticks around. So much so, in fact, that it got confusing watching them. In the first trilogy, you had one lightsaber duel per movie, with perhaps some other random lightsaber action thrown in. Kind of made it something special. But of course, the prequels take place during the time of the Jedi, so everybody and their brother has a flashlight hanging from their belt. And, with movies like Crouching Tiger and The Matrix released in the interim, along with countless Jackie Chan movies, Lucas had to up the ante a little on the saber-fu in this trilogy.

And, just as with Episode II, the award for best lightsaber battle has to go to Yoda v. Palpatine. Once again proving that Lucas is much better at directing animation than live actors. Maybe he should team up with Disney or Pixar for his next movie. No, scratch that – Pixar is turning out consistently good movies with decent stories and dialog, let’s not ruin that.

Notice I didn’t give the award to the duel we’ve been waiting twenty years for: Obi Wan v. Anakin. Well, I don’t want to ruin the Space Opera with anything like logic or physics but let’s just examine the final climactic battle a little.

First off, it’s a planet-wide volcano. The entire planet is covered with molten lava, a sort of permanent slow-motion eruption. So, he gets points for making it an energy source, but minus several thousand for actually having people on the surface. The temperature there has got to be in the thousands of degrees (whichever scale you use), and Anakin’s just walking around in heavy black robes, barely sweating. Oh, not to mention that all the oxygen had to have burned up long ago, so there wouldn’t be anything to breathe that close to the surface. OK, enough scientific nit-picking, on to the fight.

It starts off well enough, with Padme dumping Anakin for being too evil, which is probably the worst decision ever made in the entire saga, so he chokes her until she passes out. This is good – the final step in Anakin’s slide toward the Dark Side. Lightsabers light, tempers flare, lame dialog is prattled off, and the battle is joined.

Obi Wan and Anakin proceed to duke it out, to greater or lesser effect, for the next ten or fifteen minutes. By the time they’re riding little jet skis on the lava, it had gone too far. If there were a lava shark, it would have been jumped. Now for the tricky part: Lucas has spent three movies showing how Anakin Skywalker is the most powerful Jedi ever — and now that he’s given into the Dark Side, he should be even more powerful – how does he lose to Obi Wan, who, let’s face it, is getting on in age? Oh, silly me. The answer is simple: Obi Wan gets the “higher ground”. What? Does that give him a +20 to hit or something? That’s almost as bad as Darth Maul’s death in Episode I.

At that point, the rest of the movie writes itself: Padme has the twins, Luke & Leia, then dies on the table (by the way, I thought the delivery droid with the forcep hands was rather humorous). Palpatine scoops up the charred remains of Anakin (I guess he’s Darth Vader by now) and pours him into the famous black suit. Obi Wan takes Luke to Tatooine, and puts a down payment on a hermit cave. Jimmy Smits takes Leia back to Alderaan, creating the only provable plot hole (i.e. in Jedi, Leia says she remembered her real mother a little bit, but she couldn’t have because she died in childbirth. Whatever. Kids have wild imaginations, especially orphans).

Now, I saw this movie at 12:01 on opening day, the very first showing. I came out rather disappointed, as you can tell. But I watched it again a few weeks later, and for some reason I liked it better the second time. I’m not sure if I had my hopes up too high for opening night, or whether I just knew when the bad parts were coming and could ignore them.

The bottom line is I treasure my VHS and DVD copies of the original trilogy (even with all the Special Edition crap they put in), but I don’t think I’ll even rent the prequels, much less buy them. Could this be because of the age at which I watched them? Perhaps. But even at that age, I knew that the Ewoks were crap.

After watching Episode I, a friend of mine remarked that the only way Lucas could make up for that debacle would be if in the opening seconds of Episode II, Jar Jar choked to death on an Ewok. Well, that didn’t happen, and Lucas hasn’t redeemed himself. If you want to watch what he should have done, click here. Me, I’m going to go play with my C-3PO and Darth Vader dolls.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, Part I: The Rant

(Please enjoy another installment of Classic NeoZAZ, reposted now out of laziness.)

Very rarely does a movie’s advertising campaign get it so right by accident.  I don’t know if you’ve seen these particular commercials for what could possibly be the most awaited movie in the history of cinema (of course, I don’t know much about movies before 1977, because they all suck, except for Hitchcock) but the text flashed on the screen in between rapid cuts of the movie is “On May 19, Sith Happens”.  Ha ha, very funny. A play on words. A “pun,” if you will. Fox’s marketing department didn’t know just how right they got it. Episode III is shit, and a very disappointing ending to one of the greatest movie franchises ever.

Now for some full disclosure: I’m a Star Wars Fan (capital “F”). Always have been. Strangely enough, I saw Empire before I saw Star Wars. But then I got to go back and see Star Wars in the theater, because that’s how good it was – they were re-releasing it after the sequel came out. I even had the figures before I ever saw the movie. That was the power of the first Trilogy – little kids were acting out the scenes in the movie without ever having seen it. How amazing is that?  Has any other movie infiltrated the mass consciousness as much and as quickly as Star Wars did? Even movies that are designed to be marketed and are basically 2-hour toy commercials (XXX, I’m talking to you) don’t grab hold of the hearts and minds of the masses like Episode IV: A New Hope did.

So yes, I had all the toys (well, all the toys my parents would buy me – I had to improvise quite a bit with paper and cardboard, but that’s what the toys were all about – using your imagination. So what if my Death Star playset included scenes from Episodes IV and VI. That was cool.) and played with them well past the age I should have stopped. The only thing that got me out of playing with Star Wars toys was G.I. Joe toys. Man, were they cool! They had elbows! And since Lucas had seen fit to abandon us (only for 16 years or so), I turned to the crass jingoism of G.I. Joe vs. Cobra. You gotta admit, though, any army with it’s own ninjas is pretty cool. I’d’ve joined the army if they had ninja training, no doubt.

Anyway, what all this means is that I’m predisposed to liking anything Star Wars-related. Like most males of my generation, I feverishly waited the 17 years for the prequels. I dutifully went to the theater to see the “Special Edition” versions of the original Trilogy (don’t get me started). I read the Star Wars novels, I played the Star Wars video games, I bought the Star Wars posters, I went on the Star Tours ride at Disney World. I slept on the damn Star Wars bedsheets.

Were my expectations set too high? Perhaps for Episode I, yeah. I think when everyone’s been fantasizing about, writing fan fiction about and dreaming about a particular story/universe, it’s going to be very difficult to meet the expectations of millions of rabid fans. When Episode I came along, it was destined to disappoint. Even if it was good. Which it wasn’t. Not by a long shot. I don’t have to go too deep into it, because everyone knows how much it sucked, and why (rhymes with “Darbar”). But, I mean, come on. It’s a sure-fire money maker. All Lucas had to do was some basic background and some good action scenes. At least hire a dialogue writer and a director. Alas, no. Lucas has surrounded himself with people who won’t say “no” to him (and, with the money he brings in, who can blame them, really – that would involve artistic integrity) and there is no filter between George’s brain and the big screen.

So Episode I comes along and resets everyone’s expectations for the prequel trilogy. We figure it’s going to be crap, but at least colorful crap, with explosions and lightsabers. What we weren’t prepared for is the murky, rancid, stinking, vomitorium that is Lucas’ idea of romantic dialog that we got in Episode II. I mean, wasn’t there anyone in all of Lucasfilm who had the guts to say, “George, the fight scene with Yoda rocks, but all this dialog before that has to go. Seriously.”

The whole point of the prequel trilogy is the fall of Anakin Skywalker. For him to fall from being the prophesied “one”  (I dunno, you think Lucas watched The Matrix once or twice? Oh, and what’s with the whole “virgin birth” thing? Did George get religion as well as have kids?) to being the most evilest guy in the galaxy requires a certain amount of emotional depth. A depth that wasn’t necessarily required in the original trilogy, mind you. But with lines like “I don’t like the sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating – not like you. You’re soft and smooth,” causing the audience to wrack with spasms of pain, you just don’t get the kind of attachment to the characters that is necessary to buy the fall from grace.

And then there’s the direction. Look at the cast they got: Ewan MacGregor, Natalie Portman, Samuel L. Jackson, Liam Neeson, Christopher Lee, etc. Phenomenal actors in other movies. With the possible exception of Liam Neeson, they were uniformly unwatchable. I’m reserving judgment on Hayden Christensen, since I haven’t seen him in anything else yet. Granted, he may get the Mark Hamill curse, and we’ll never see him again outside of a SciFi convention.

OK, two strikes, but Episodes I and II were merely vehicles to get us to the climax of Episode III – the fall of Anakin (and don’t even tell me that a brooding teenager like him would suffer anyone calling him “Annie” without cutting off a major body part). Episode III was supposed to redeem the first two, and tie us into the original trilogy. Well, it certainly tied into Episode IV nicely, even using some of the same sets, but we’ll get to the question of redemption later. First, there’s the line!

For those of you who have never experienced a Star Wars line, let me sum it up like this: Imagine all the geeky friends you had in high school in a line. Dressed as Darth Vader. Wielding lightsabers. OK, so it’s not that much of a stretch. Especially if you’re like me, and all of your friends were Star Wars geeks.

When the first trilogy came out, I was but a youngster (or “youngling”, as the “new”, or “crappy”, Lucas would call it) and so I missed out on all the fun of spending weeks in line to see really good movies. So I had to settle for spending hours in line to see really crappy prequels to really good movies. And such I did.

For Episode I, a friend of mine who lives out in the boonies volunteered to stand in line overnight to get tickets two weeks ahead of time for opening day. I gladly took a day off of work and drove two hours out to frick’n Manteca to watch Star Wars with my friends. And I liked it the first time I watched it. Even with Jar Jar, Midichlorians and all, I thoroughly enjoyed my first Episode I experience. Then I watched it again a few days later, and I realized what a Star Wars-withdrawal-induced haze I had been in. Boy did that first movie suck. I mean, come on – Midichlorians? How could Lucas take something so cool and mysterious as the Force, and dissect it into its component particles? Did he actually, for a minute there, think he was writing Science Fiction? No, it’s a Space Opera. Magic is allowed in Space Opera. You don’t have to explain everything like you would on Star Trek.

Aside from nitpicky things like that, the entire story and cast of Episode I was vastly inferior to the original trilogy. The original trilogy had give-and-take between the cornfed goodness of Luke and the battle-worn cynicism of Han. It had good guys with white hats, and bad guys with black hats (well, sometimes the good guys wore black, and the stormtroopers wore white, but you get the idea). It had a vast galactic conflict. What did Episode I have? Trade disputes. Economic sanctions. Senate hearings. Is this Star Wars or C-SPAN?

In many ways, the prequels should never have been made. An old adage for writing is that good stories have no real distinct beginning or end – the characters and histories exist far back into the past and far into the future. But you, as a storyteller need to pick a point at which to start your story, and a point at which to end it. The part in-between those two points should be the most interesting part. The stuff that comes before is backstory, and the stuff that comes after is irrelevant (until the sequel).

Lucas, the 1970’s Lucas, who knew how to tell a story, had the whole thing in his head: The rise of Anakin Skywalker, his descent into Darth Vader, the coming of his children, and the eventual overthrow of the Empire. He wisely chose the second section of this history to be the interesting part: The galaxy is in peril, the Empire is Evil with a capitol ‘E’, and here comes the son of the most Evil guy in the galaxy to save the day. That’s a good story.

Sure, after seeing the first trilogy, we all wanted to see Darth Vader’s rise and fall. But, as much money as it made, artistically, that story did not need to be told:

1. It’s a prequel, so everybody knows how it’s going to end up.
2. It’s three movies of exposition, without a conflict/resolution story arc.

That cripples it, dramatically, from the beginning. Add in the fact that Lucas could never write good dialog, is a terrible actor’s  director, and lost his ability to tell a good story about halfway through Episode VI, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.

And don’t get me started on Episodes 7, 8 and 9. Yes, I’ve read some of the books. And no, those movies do not need to be made. Sure, there are some interesting characters they came up with, and a few semi-original plotlines. But once you’ve saved the galaxy and destroyed the Evil Emperor, what’s left? There’s no sequel worth doing. You know what? If you’ve got all these writers chomping at the bit with cool ideas, have them write something original, or another Star Trek novel. There is no compelling reason to make a movie after Palpatine dies. Each new movie just cheapens the originals.

But back to the line. Anne’s friend, Doug, who is the biggest Star Wars geek I know (he’s the one I go to when I don’t remember some bit of arcane trivia) works right across the street from the movie theater in downtown Santa Cruz.

Doug was going to get us a spot in line for the opening day midnight show. He reported around 11am that the line was starting to fill up. He or one of his friends got in line around 3, so they were about half a block from the theater. When we got there around 8, the line went around the corner and down the next block. By the time they let us in, it had wrapped all the way back around the block to the theater. I don’t think this was quite as big as Episode I, but we had much higher expectations then.

Of course there were plenty of people in costume. Now, it’s not that hard to throw on some brown robes, grab a flashlight and call yourself “Obi Wan”, but some of these folks really went above and beyond.

Right behind us in line were Darth Vader and Chewbacca (not really a pair you’d picture together, what with the Imperial enslavement of the Wookiees and everything, but they are two of the better masked costumes from the movies). They were just about perfect: Vader had a nice shiny helmet and shoulder pads, his chest panel had all the requisite switches and blinking lights, and his cape was very swirly and black. Even Chewie looked very authentic and had an excellent Wookiee growl.

The only problem with these costumes was this: both guys were about 5’ 5”, including the boots and helmets. Somehow, seeing a full-size Darth Vader head about two feet below where you expect it is unbearably funny. But they were cool and posed for pictures with anyone who came by.

There were several high-school girls dressed as Padme from Episode II, so that was some nice scenery, but the Boobie award definitely goes to the woman dressed as Slave-girl Leia, from Jedi. It was a dark and rainy night, filled with pimply geeks who had escaped their parents’ basement to stand in line all day and night, and she was out there in just the bronze bikini and red wraps. Very brave of her. But of course she had Vader and Chewie to protect her.

There were also several dozen random people with lightsabers of various build and quality, who would spontaneously start massive Jedi battles every so often. That certainly helped to pass the time. Even though their combat skills were, let’s say, less than adequate.

The other way we passed the time was with trivia. I had brought a stack of Trivial Pursuit: Star Wars Edition cards. Unfortunately, there’s about one question in ten that is actually difficult for a real fan to answer. The rest are along the lines of “What is the name of Han Solo’s ship?”

Some other folks had brought what looked like at least a 25” TV and some sort of game console, and were playing some 4-way games. But they were almost at the front of the line, so I assume they’d been there for twelve hours easy by then.

At around 11:30, the line started surging forward, which probably meant something was happening. After much jostling, we were finally admitted into the theater, to see the final chapter in the Star Wars saga.

Stay tuned for Part 2: The actual movie review.

Leave Rick Roll Alone, Bro!

From the Dancing Baby to Chocolate Rain to Charlie the Unicorn, everything you need to see on the Internet is collected here.

It’s kind of fun to just go through and re-live the last ten years of memes.

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